From Pedestalizing to Pathologizing: A Cycle of Disillusionment and Disconnection
Have you ever experienced a relationship where, at the beginning, you thought the person could do no wrong, only to find yourself diagnosing them with a personality disorder once they inevitably showed their humanity? If you answered yes, you've walked the path of pedestalizing and pathologizing. The phenomena of pedestalizing and pathologizing in relationships often follows a cyclical journey, a dance of idealization and disillusionment that can deeply affect our connections with others and ourselves. This journey begins with the elevation of a person to near-perfect status and, upon the inevitable revelation of their humanity, transitions into a phase where their actions are viewed through a lens of pathology (diagnosis or a focus on weak qualities). Understanding this cycle is crucial for developing healthier, more realistic expectations in our relationships.
The Beginning: A Halo of Perfection
The journey often starts with an act of pedestalizing, where we place someone on a metaphorical pedestal, attributing to them qualities and virtues beyond what is realistic or sustainable. This initial phase is characterized by a halo effect, where admiration blinds us to the complexity and fallibility of the other person. They are seen not as a full, flawed human being but as an idealized version that aligns with our deepest desires and needs.
In this stage, our perceptions are filtered through a lens of optimism and wishful thinking. Every action is interpreted positively, and any potential red flags are ignored or rationalized away. The person is seen as the embodiment of everything we've ever wanted, a beacon of hope that promises to fulfill our longing for connection, love, or validation.
The Shift: The Fall from Grace
However, no one can live up to such unrealistic expectations indefinitely. As time passes, the cracks begin to show, and the individual inevitably fails to meet the idealized image we've constructed. This failure isn't due to any inherent flaw in their character but simply reflects the reality that all humans are complex beings with strengths and weaknesses.
The fall from grace can be triggered by small disappointments or larger betrayals. Suddenly, the same traits we once adored become sources of frustration. The quirks we found endearing are now seen as annoying. The behaviors we interpreted as signs of affection are reassessed as manipulative or self-serving. The person hasn't necessarily changed, but our perception of them has shifted dramatically.
The Reaction: Pathologizing as a Defense Mechanism
Faced with the dissonance between the idealized image and reality, we may resort to pathologizing as a way to make sense of our disillusionment. Instead of acknowledging our role in creating unrealistic expectations, it's tempting to reframe the situation by diagnosing the other person with various flaws or psychological issues.
This pathologizing serves as a defense mechanism, protecting us from the painful acknowledgment of our own misjudgments. By focusing on the other person's perceived pathology, we divert attention from our own vulnerabilities and the complex reality of human relationships. The person we once idolized is now seen through a critical, often unforgiving lens. Their actions are interpreted as evidence of deeper issues, and the relationship dynamic shifts from one of mutual admiration to one of judgment and disappointment.
Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle of Disconnection
Breaking this cycle requires a conscious effort to cultivate realistic expectations and a willingness to embrace the full humanity of others. It involves acknowledging our own needs and insecurities that drive the cycle of idealization and disillusionment. By fostering a more nuanced understanding of ourselves and others, we can build relationships based on authenticity, acceptance, and genuine connection, rather than on the shaky foundations of pedestalizing and pathologizing.